Contentment: Post-Partum and Beyond

I am not sure that I still fall into the "post-partum" category, after all Hudson will be 3 months old on Sunday--eek! I can't believe how quickly the past three months have gone by, and yet I have heeded the advice to soak up every minute of it. As the little one snoozes away in the Bjorn (that's French for "baby carrier"..haha not really), his loud breathing as music to my ears, I am taking a moment to write about an oft-discussed topic: the post-partum body and contentment.

For those of you who know me, you are well aware that one of my main hobbies is "healthy living". I love all things exercise, running, health food stores, and nutrition. It has become not just a hobby in fact, but a way of life for me and my family. During pregnancy, I continued to run, exercise, and eat healthy foods. And now that I am post-pregnancy, I have become all the more cognizant of what I consume and how much energy I am exerting on a daily basis. My diet pretty much consists of a LOT of vegetables, fruits, gluten-free whole grains, nuts (and nut butters), proteins such as chicken and turkey, and of course tortilla chips and hummus at every lunch time. My exercise regimen has been pretty consistent, as I trying to run up to 5 times a week, and go for walks with Hudson almost daily. But that is just me. I am not every woman, nor am I the standard by which every woman, pre-pregnancy or post-partum, should live by. These are my convictions, and the life circumstances I am in simply allow for me to live this way, as I desire to do so. 

I explain all of that to say that there is a major problem in the way that we as women view ourselves--both physically and spiritually. Since college, I have seen the sin of comparison rear its ugly head, as young women look down on themselves because they are not like so-and-so. I have fallen prey to this type of distorted thinking. At the root of comparison is the sin of discontentment. When we think less of ourselves in comparison to others we are exhibiting our sinful nature's lust for that which we do not have, i.e. discontentment. Over the past few months, I have heard encouraging comments about the way that I look, especially after having a baby. But in light of these comments, I have been saddened by a few of them. These comments are greatly welcomed and I am appreciative, but at the same time I hear behind those same words the desire of those who have spoken these words, to be something that they are not currently. My heart hurts for women who view themselves through the eyes of the world's unattainable standards. My exhortation to all women, whether you are recovering from giving birth or not, is that we need to renew our minds in biblical truths even about the way that we look. After reading Hebrews 13:5, "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you", I am convinced that the same principle of contentment applies to all circumstances. Remember what the apostle Paul said, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." (Philippians 4:11-12) The Scripture is clear that women are to be modest, clothed with the inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, and while bodily training is of some value godliness is of value in every way. 

As a reminder to myself and to all, contentment even with the way that one looks, begins in the mind. We must remain steadfast by choosing to believe truth rather than lies. As I strive to continue in healthy living, my goal should always be to honor God with my body, and not the achievement of some arbitrary physical standard. God has created each woman to possess unique characteristics, both physical and spiritual, that be thankful for and delight in. "For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving" (1 Timothy 4:4).

Confessions: Of A Pregnant Runner

Since this is my first pregnancy it's been quite the rollercoaster of experiences. In the first trimester, I had a vast array of physical symptoms: nausea, irritability, breast tenderness, emotional "flexibility" (more like instability), and fatigue. Recently, I entered into the second trimester - wahoo! - and am now almost 15 weeks pregnant! I have noticed that my difficulties are now the internal struggles of insecurity and uncertainty. In this post I want to relay what sort of struggles this pregnant woman, like any woman, has had on both the heart and head level.


There is a baby in that belly!

As a runner, it is important to keep yourself consistently fit, which means maintaining your fitness level by eating healthfully, running an average number of miles per week, and cross training to keep your body free from injury. This past spring, I trained for and ran a half marathon and was in the best shape I have been in, since junior year of college (when I ran a semester's worth of cross country). I felt great and was proud of the work that I had done in order to look and feel like I did. About 3 weeks after that race, as I was recovering, we found out that I was pregnant. As we rejoiced and celebrated, I thought quietly in my heart about what this meant for my body: a lot of changes. And since I have never been pregnant before, this also meant a lot of unexpected changes. These thoughts produced fear and worry in me and I began to become anxious about the coming months and what this would mean for my overall fitness. Motherly instincts kick in as soon as you discover that you have a little person growing inside of you, and you instantly want to do "Whatever is best for the baby!" But as a woman who struggles with insecurities about her appearance, I couldn't help but have these nagging thoughts.

Like I mentioned before, in the first trimester your body is adjusting to the onslaught of hormones that your body is producing and you definitely see and feel their effects. I took a much needed break from all exercise save for walking and the occasional run. The first time I got out on the road to attempt to keep my heart rate at 150 (doctor recommended) I was sorely disappointed: 180, 190, 205, 170, 165, 190, and so on. My fitness level had clearly waned in just a month off, and I became discouraged about the possibility of running during pregnancy. My doctor has okay'ed it as long as I kept my heart rate low (my max HR is around 230) which proved somewhat difficult for me at first. Not only was I discouraged but I was humbled. Not being able to run the same pace, the same distance, with the same amount of exertion can be quite frustrating and for me it most definitely was.. and still is.

Many woman tell you that after you enter the second trimester, you start feeling much better. Thankfully, I found this to be quite true. I am very grateful that my nausea lasted only 5-6 weeks, and my fatigue became less after about 8 weeks. So I started to get up the hopes that I could get outside and continue running at a more 'normal-for-me' pace and be just fine! Well there have been a couple of factors that have still kept me from that goal: 1) My overall fitness level has somewhat decreased, 2) My body needs to exert way more energy in order to run at paces and distances that were 'easy' just a few months ago, and 3) The Texas heat kills me. I have never been one who enjoys running in 90+ degree weather, nor have I ever been able to do it particularly well. Combine all of these factors together and it makes for one discouraged, frustrated, and irritated pregnant woman.

While out for a walk last night, I discovered that these thoughts and feelings were rooted in a few different areas of sin: selfishness, discontentment, envy, and jealousy. My frustration in not being able to run how I want virtually spells out the selfishness in my heart. I want to do it for me, and when I don't/can't get what I want I become frustrated. I am discontent because what used to come so naturally is now feeling very unnatural and that creates a lack of joy in my heart. I am envious and jealous of other women that I see running with no problem: most of whom are probably not pregnant. See how foolish these things are when they are exposed? I am confronted with the fact that I am still yet to be fully redeemed, and am in need of my Savior. David says it well in Psalm 86 when he cries out, "Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me! For I am poor and needy." In God's infinite wisdom, He knows my desires and my frustrations. Yet, He desires that I cry to Him with those frustrations and tell Him my honest feelings. I am comforted by the fact that He is "...good and ready to forgive, and abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You." (86:5)

Do I still want to run right on through this pregnancy? Absolutely! Do I believe that God will surely answer that prayer? I don't know. In the meantime, I must choose to trust Him and believe the fact that even when I can't run fast, or even run at all, God has ordained this time for my good - to teach me humility, the fleetingness of physical beauty, and fact that He cares about me in all of my weakness and stumblings. Have you ever dealt with insecurities in your pregnancy? I am right there with you sister.. let's keep fighting.

Appropriate Discontentment?

Perhaps you have heard the oft-quoted verse from Paul's letter to the Philippians, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." (Phil. 4:11) And when you hear this verse, what specifically comes to your mind? Are we supposed to be content when we see ourselves constantly struggling with a particular sin? Or are we supposed to remain content when a family member is ill or dying? What about when we desire something good, like marriage or children, and are yet un-married and without children? I have been reflecting on the concept of "holy" or "spiritual discontentment" and would like to share my thoughts with you.

Again, what exactly is discontentment and how can we define it as either right or wrong? Well, the first thing we must do is measure of heart motives behind the discontentment we are facing, up against the Word. Earlier in the letter to the Philippians, Paul tells them to "Rejoice in the Lord always..." (v.4), and in his first letter to the Thessalonians he says, "Rejoice always...give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (5:16, 18) So here we have two examples of the kind of constant rejoicing and thanksgiving that we as Christians must maintain in all circumstances. But what about some of the examples that I sited above? Well, John Piper sheds some helpful light on this area of "holy discontentment" in regards to spiritual leadership. As I purused an article written by him some years ago, he talks about a spiritual leader's optimism and zeal for change in accordance with their seeking of the Lord. A spiritual leader sees necessary and good changes to be made, and instead of being "content" in the current situation (or stagnant) he decides to move forward and do something about it! His motivation for fueling change can be called some sort of 'discontentment'.

I think about this type of discontentment in regards to sanctification as well. If we are honest with ourselves, none of us are as "spiritual" or "holy" as we would desire to be - and that's a good thing! A yearning for deeper fellowship or intimacy with God, greater knowledge of His Word, more of a sensitivity to one's own sin, and an increasing desire to be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ - these are all good and necessary things in regards to our sanctification. We see ourselves in the mirror of the Word, and realize that we are not measuring up when it comes to evangelism, we are falling short in our discipleship efforts, and we lack zeal and endurance in prayer: we are discontent with our lives in ways that we should be. I have often felt this way. However, my holy discontentment can turn sour when I turn inwardly, and in self-pity, focus on what I am not, rather than who Christ is. Like I said, the longing to be more conformed to Christ's image is a good thing, but an attitude of self-pity, self-condemnation, or "woe is me" are not. We need to check our hearts and make sure that when those thoughts and attitudes begin to surface, that we are taking our longings to the Father who knows our desires and wants us to bring them to His throne of grace. After all His desire is for us to be conformed to the image of His Son.

Lastly, I want to address discontentment in circumstances vs. sanctification. We have talked about the latter in the previous paragraph, so let me address the former for a moment using an example from my own life. Some months ago after beginning my first full-time job [where I am still working now] I began to have this slight feeling of discontentment in where I was at. Not that I wanted a different job necessarily, but it was a dissatisfaction with my current occupation: a career woman, so to speak. Deep down the desire for motherhood began to form, along with all of its fears and hesitations. In light of that desire, I began asking God for clarity and discernment about what the timing of being a mother versus remaining faithful in my workplace, and what that would look like. Chance and I began praying about starting a family, and finally decided to move forward with that. Now you see? God used that discontentment with my current situation to spark a change in the direction that Chance and I were moving with our lives. But I would warn you to use much caution when evalutating this type of discontentment with circumstances - for there is a time for everything. God may not be calling you to change your life circumstances at all but to remain right where you are and to learn contentment in the midst of adversity or struggle. Always evaluate your heart in light of God's commandments and be sure to take your discontentment to the Lord in prayer - He is faithful and He will help you to know what He is trying to teach you through it.

Are you struggling with discerning some discontentment in your life? Please share your thoughts and concerns, I'd love to hear them!