Raise your hand if you like change. I can't count how many that was, but I am going to assume that there weren't many hands raised. I admit that I have an odd relationship with 'change'. Oftentimes I embrace it wholeheartedly and with enthusiasm, but at other times I am paralyzed with fear at what the change might bring about. Right now in life, I am somewhere in the middle. Like I said in my last 'post', this year is going to look completely different than last year, primarily because in a matter of a few days (literally!) I am going to be a mom, and Chance is going to be a dad. Our first son, Hudson Thomas, whose estimated arrival date is January 10th, is to be born any day now. Furthermore, this new addition to our lives has meant a complete shift in my role in our family. For about a year and a half I have been working at a financial management company, however, when I got pregnant I informed my workplace that I would not be returning after our baby was born. I am going to take on the role of stay-at-home mom and wife, and I couldn't be more thrilled (and nervous). Chance will continue to be enrolled at DTS full-time, while working a part-time job. I will go from 40-hour work weeks in the financial industry to full-time mommy, whose hours never really end. I am excited, anticipatory, nervous, and anxious to embark on this new journey that God has for me.
With the anticipation of this new full-time role comes a whole slew of questions that have been running through my mind: Will I be a 'good mother'? How will I care for an infant? What will my days look like? In God's sovereignty, He has chosen that Hudson would be born right at the beginning of this new year. This has caused me to think about how God is actively working in our lives to make all things work together for our good. This morning as I read Psalms 148 through 150, I was struck by the awesome truth of God's provision over the whole of creation. He is not just active in my life, but in all of creation--including animals and planets. How wonderful that the Creator of the seasons, chooses to be with us through all of the seasons of our lives as well! As I reflect on this simple truth, while in the back of my mind knowing that life is about to change drastically, I am comforted. So embrace the newness that this year might hold, and look for how God is working in your life to bring about new things for your good and His glory!
Wow, I haven't posted in a while, sorry. But today I am resolved because I have a million thoughts spiraling around in my brain and I need to just write them all down. Thankfully, that's one of the reasons I have a blog. A few major things that I'm thinking about: pregnancy, Hudson (our baby), and fear.
Yesterday, I had my 21-week (going on 22 tomorrow) sonogram with our sonographer whose name is Jules. I got to know her a bit better yesterday and I love her! Chance didn't join me for this sono since it was just a check-up, so her and I had some good time to chat. She is a wonderfully cheerful young lady, and when she mentioned she had just attended a young adults' retreat we got to talking about church and community. It was really neat to found out that she is mentored by a woman from our church who works for the DPRC (Dallas Pregnancy Resource Center) where Jules also volunteers! As we looked up at the screen at shy (he won't ever show us his face!), little Hudson's body, I asked her if one reason we can see babies' organs so well is because their skin is translucent. She commented on how amazing God's creation is, and I agreed. It was a blessing to share a mutual understanding about the life of the one in my belly with a person so gifted in what she does! [Note: she confirmed that Hudson is still DEFINITELY a boy!]
Secondly, Chance and I have been throwing around some pretty awesome Greek words lately, my favorite being κοιλία (pronounced: "koilia"). It means WOMB, or belly! I think it'd be a pretty girl's name. I feel Hudson kicking all the time in my belly, which is such a sweet reminder that he is still in my tummy. His movements are probably my favorite part about the second trimester. I just love being able to actually feel him in there!
Fear. I have had a lot of it lately. Mostly my fears are of the unknown. I have boiled down my fear to a lack of trusting God. I realize that instead of trusting in His purposes, I am trusting in circumstances. I am fearful about labor, delivery, the uncertainty of how things will go, his health, recovery, etc. The list goes on. I have had to make it a practice to stop my trail of thoughts and focus on facts like: "God is good", "God is sovereign", "God is in control". I am thankful that God's Word tells us and resassures us in our moments of fear and doubt, that these things are true.
I love the Psalms and am always drawn back to them when I am having fearful or anxious thoughts. Psalms 56, 62, and 139 are just a few that have been constant reminders of the trustworthiness of God, the greatness of God, and the omniscience of God. I have been able to rest in what I do not know because I am confident that God does know. He has planned all the details from the intricacies of my baby's growth to the days of my baby's life. This morning I prayed that the Lord would "Search me and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!" (Ps. 139:23) He has been answering this prayer by first showing me my fear and then comforting me in it as well. After reading a terribly sad story on The Gospel Coalition of a couple who lost their first baby boy (named Haddon), I was almost in tears this morning. But this women's testimony of her trust in God's good and gracious purposes in her and her husband's life, through the loss of their baby, was awe-inspiring. Our God is not only good and gracious, but worthy to be trusted with every detail of our lives.
So as I contemplate what the next 4 months of pregnancy will hold, I am choosing to surrender it all to the Lord: who searches me, who knows me, who is well acquainted with all of my ways, who knows my thoughts from afar, who hems me in behind and before, who lays his hand upon me, whose presence I cannot flee from, and whose right hand I am constantly being held by. "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14)
