Food on Friday: FONDUE

This is where I want to go on Chance and I's postponed anniversary date (see picture below). We went there for a surprise 6 -month (of dating) anniversary, and loved it! Fondue is such a unique experience and to me it always seems more romantic than your run of the mill dinner date. So if you're looking for date ideas try The Melting Pot! You will surely not be disappointed. Or even better - try and do your own!

They even gave us an anniversary card :)

YUMMY!

So glad that now we're MARRIED!

Dark chocolate + white chocolate

See how much fun this looks.. that's because it was :)

Self-Image: What Men Need to Know

In previous posts, I have spoken extensively about every women's battle with their own self-image. Whether it relates to weight, food issues, one's view of their beauty, I am convinced that every woman has internal struggles about her image. All of us have different degrees to which we wrestle with our own [false] ideas about ourselves and each individual's battle will look different. Admittedly, it takes time and energy to understand our own hearts, and the thoughts that too often plague us, but this is a crucial step in diagnosing the root of our problem and seeking grace from the only One who can truly heal us.

Recently, I spoke with a friend who described an extremely disheartening conversation she had with a guy friend about his response to her openness about her self-image struggles. This guy friend expressed his feelings of insensitivity, frustration, and disinterest in helping my friend deal with these deeply personal issues. It broke my heart to hear. But I believe the reason for this man's reaction was one thing: a misunderstanding of a women's struggle with self-image. I can attest to this reasoning because, 1) I have a husband, and 2) He doesn't always understand. Most men know very little of a woman's constant struggle with her image. It is not that men don't care, but for the the most part because they haven't experienced this to a similar degree, it is hard for them to be empathetic. On Friday, Chance and I were discussing this very topic as I shared some things that I have been dealing lately, mostly due to the trials of pregnancy. From that conversation, I would like to offer some counsel to all men about how to understand a women's struggle, and how to lovingly help her.

I cannot speak for all women, on a specific level, but I can speak for myself and my husband: this has been tremendously helpful. I have realized my frustration when Chance doesn't seem concerned or careful with his words regarding the distorted view I have of myself. I have attempted to be patient with him on recent occassions, to explain a women's desire for attention and for love. Deep inside of us is the innate desire to be wanted and when we feel ugly, we are ashamed and discouragement sets in. Many women struggle with their weight, which makes them self-conscious and timid. Other women struggle with distortions to their eating, problems that can be as severe as anorexia and bulimia, or as common as condemning thoughts about eating 2 extra slices of Papa John's (sound familiar?). The desire to be loved is not wrong, but because of the fallen nature of man, that love seeks its fulfillment in 'unnatural' places: unhealthy relationships, comfort from sweets, finding one's worth in exercise and seeking the 'perfect body.' God has created all of us for the purpose of worshiping our Creator, whose image we were made in the likeness of. But sin has caused our worship to go awry, which is why I believe all women have degrees of struggle with their own self-image.

Like I said before, the reason why most men don't seem empathetic is because they just don't understand. Women, on average, are the ones who most often deal with problems relating to "body issues" or "food issues." The first thing our male counterparts can do to help us women, is to understand the language and specifics. When I say, "I feel gross today," I am probably saying, "I am not believing that I am truly beautiful...in my opinion, the way my body is making me frustrated." Women tend to express feelings of self-pity (not okay) when we are discouraged about our outer appearance. Although the Scriptures address this specifically: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she will be praised" (Prov. 31:30), it will likely not be helpful if you, husband (brother or friend) rattle off this verse and assume that this will solve the problem. Understand the language. When you pray for your wife, don't just say, "Lord, Kathryn is dealing with food." What does that mean to me? Am I having trouble shopping for it? Or am I dealing with self-condemnation in regards to my eating habits? See, the language is important.

Now women, this doesn't get you off the hook either. You need to be willing to explain to your husband (brother, friend, etc.) the specifics of your struggle. Don't just assume that he knows what you are dealing with, and don't write him off or get frustrated when he doesn't automatically 'get it.' Be patient and take the time to explain your heart - trust me, it will do you both a world of good.

Secondly, men, listen to your wife. I cannot express to you enough how much this matters to her. When a woman chooses to open up about her struggle with her self-image or a matter concerning her relationship with food, she means for you to listen to her. She needs you to. Loving her, as a sister in Christ and as Christ loved his bride, means listening patiently and actively. I know that my husband is listening well when he asks me questions to get me to explain more thoroughly, which in turn helps me to open up. I know that he cares, that he loves me, and that he genuinely desires for me to be helped through my battles. So listen up men!

Lastly, I eluded to this in the previous paragraph, ask leading questions. If I am sharing that I am discouraged about how I look today, you might want to ask your wife, "Sweety, what do you mean by that?" or "What kind of thoughts were you having?" I have often been helped when others ask me questions that cause me to think actively about something I have just said passively. I am able to go through my thought process, consider what made me think that way, and likely see what lie I am believing about myself or my situation. A husband will understand his wife better if he listens attentively and asks her questions that explain her heart to him.

In conclusion, our husbands are instruments God uses in our lives to help us see truth, and fight the lies that our hearts believe. Men, please take heed to these instructions and lovingly seek to understand, listen, and ask questions of your wife in order to empathize with her situation. You may not ever fully understand, but she will certainly appreciate your genuine effort.

"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us." -1 John 3:19-23

[Note: I used husbands as the prime example here, but the principle is applicable to brothers, fathers, uncles, friends, boyfriends, fiances, etc.]

An Eater's Testimony : Alyssa

Freshman year at Palm Beach Atlantic University, on the first floor of Baxter Hall I met Alyssa. A tanned beauty with a sweet spirit and sarcastic sense of humor, we began to get to know each other toward the end of the spring semester. When we returned to school after the summer, Alyssa and I struck up a closer friendship. We quickly realized that our bond was deepened by a mutual struggle: food. We'd both had our struggles, and I as was in the midst of one of the hardest, the Lord placed Alyssa in my life as an accountability partner, encourager, and sister. I am ever so thankful for her.

And I am thankful that she has decided to share her story with all of you:

"Where to start with the journey of disordered eating/eating disorder (something that used to be a big distinction in my mind)? Well, I was born, and I ate. And from then on it was downhill. Ok, not really. It wasn’t until I was 8. It was then that I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and now in hindsight, I can trace the eating issues to that singular event that had far reaching consequences. It was a major ordeal—falling into a coma, having severe ketoacidosis, hallucinating—until I was taken to the ER with a blood sugar of 875 (120 is normal). And then life was different, counting carbs, being stereotyped as never being allowed to have sugar, eating on a schedule. On the one hand I became really comfortable with measuring spoons and nutrition labels. I also craved the things I couldn’t have and so my family had to hide candy and sweets from me. And by the 4^th grade I was overweight, which escalated throughout my high school years. I remember my first diet in the 5^th grade, going to Weight Watchers with my mom in 7^th, then all of a sudden not caring at all and eating whatever I wanted and doing huge amounts of insulin to cover it. The battle was up and down-always wanting to be thin like my friends and trying to eat right, then “cheating” and eating on the sly huge amounts of whatever I wasn’t supposed to be having. On top of that, I am not athletically gifted and so was only moderately active. 15 minutes on the elliptical counted as a workout and a life goal was to be able to run a mile. By the time I went to college, I was maintaining a weight by eating decently, but not wonderfully, and taking long walks every day.

Then I went to school in Florida. Where everyone wears a bikini, or runs, or is just beautiful and tan without much effort. I haphazardly began running (I was too embarrassed to stop after a ½ mile when the whole basketball team walked in the gym), at big salads for lunch and dinner, and little else in between cafeteria meals.  And magically, I started losing weight, without a concerted effort or trying. So I kept doing what I was doing and the weight just melted and I kept having to buy new jeans. Shopping became fun for the first time ever and I was getting rave reviews on my new body when I traveled home for breaks.  I made exercise science my minor and took nutrition where we had to document every single thing we ate for 2 months. I bought a 2 piece (my mother hates “bikinis”).

And then I took a quiz online about “the eating disorder next door” and feared something was wrong with me. My parents found out and sent me to counseling, to which I balked because I felt like that made me crazy or mentally unstable or like I was going to be sent to some ranch in the desert to eat more food. That round of counseling didn’t do much, even though I pretended like the issue was over. I went back to Florida and even though I was still very small, I oscillated between what I now recognize as starvation mode and bingeing. By this point I realized I had disordered eating-I didn’t have a healthy relationship with food. KT (Kathryn) and I made notecards and prayed together, and that accountability was meaningful. But it didn’t solve the problem. I was addressing the issues on the surface, but not really attacking them at the core of my heart.

I transferred back home to finish college and experienced the cold of winter for an extended period of time. I also went on birth control because my dramatic weight loss (50ish pounds) and ramped up running (6-7 miles, 6 days a week) took away my “woman-ness.” And I indulged and gained weight. Not a ton, about 10-15 pounds. And I hated my body, hated how I felt, hated that my cute skinny clothes didn’t fit anymore. And I turned to the last resort I knew to try and quickly eliminate the fatness I felt: bulimia. I made myself throw up and took  multiple laxatives a day. It didn’t work. I went home for the summer and stopped the bulimia and lost a little weight, but it was a miserable summer. That fall I fell into it again, hard. I graduated and moved to Dallas where I lived alone with a 75 year old (2^nd) cousin. I was isolated, had no direction, and had no activities or friends, unlike school where I was busy and lived with 9 wonderful gals. And the bulimia became worse and I became obsessed with weighing myself. I ate like a bird during the day and then had massive binges at night, ending in a raw throat and disgruntled intestines from the vomiting.

The first time I went home was for Easter, and I finally told someone: my brother, to try and sustain some sort of accountability. And then I had a huge binge and threw up and told everyone it was because my stomach didn’t handle the chocolate. And then I balled my eyes out into my brother’s shoulder, and for the first time somebody made me talk about what I was thinking and feeling. I told some close girlfriends who knew of previous struggles and began the long road to recovery. From then it was a small handful of times that I threw up again until the Lord finally released me into freedom. The story of that specific moment is a beautiful one, but I’ll save it for another dayJ

That is just the long chronology of how I got to where I am now…I still pour over my notecards daily, I seek to expose the struggle in me and share Truth, because Satan wants nothing more than for it to be my solitary struggle. And for far too long it was, but I’ve come to a place where there is freedom in speaking out and being vulnerable. I do all those things because it is still a struggle. I’ve been graciously released from the bulimia, but food still holds an unhealthy allure to my mind and heart that I constantly battle. " (written exclusively by Alyssa Peiser for "Thoughts on Etcetera") 

Thank you so much friend for being vulnerable with us all. And I hope that you all can be edified and encouraged to know that there are other ladies out there who are in the battle too.

-kathryn

"Disordered Eating"

Last semester I started receiving a certain running magazine (for free!) in the mail. I didn't want to get charged so I called to cancel the complimentary subscription. I got charged anyways, and thought that the sub had really been cancelled this time - until a new issue showed up at our new address. Well, that's no coincidence, because I stumbled across this intriguing article that was headlined on the front cover. I have written before about the struggles that athletes have with obsessive exercise and diet control and for the first time I read an article in a secular magazine that addressed the very same issue.

The article begins with the author's description of his relationship to his running when he was deciding that he needed to lose weight. He talks about the elation he felt when he weighed himself after a run to find that the numbers on the scale had dropped. He started cutting out certain foods--like those high in fat or with a lot of sugar, so that he could slim down. Now as I read the article, I began recognizing these 'symptoms' as behaviors that I have often experienced. Then the article labeled this type of behavior/thinking as "disordered eating". I have known for some time now that I have struggles with the strict control of my diet, over-exercising, and setting up arbitrary self-rules in regards to food/exercise (i.e. "If I run 5 miles hard, only then can I eat that frozen yogurt"). But I have also never really thought that I had an actual "ED". According to some university professors and nutritionists, I may not have an eating disorder, but I have certainly struggled with "disordered eating".

I was encouraged that this borderline disorder behavioral issue is being addressed in a serious way -- and more so because it can become a lifestyle for many. When you are constantly trying to control the scale by calculating each calorie consumed and each extra mile taken, it becomes overwhelming and certainly not normal. Disordered eating is a problem for men and women, ages 18 to 45 (and probably beyond that). What can begin as a desire to lose a few inches can become the normal pattern of life -- and it can be enslaving.

The sad part is that many, many people probably fail to recognize their 'obsession' as just that. When you hear a compliment given to you like, "Oh you're so thin.. you look great" - what does that make you want to do? Eat less, run more? Keep doing what you're doing right? Your answer is likely 'yes'. When we concentrate on finding our affirmation in what people tell us about external appearance, we tend me to become less concerned about the abnormality of certain behaviors. I know this, because I have struggled with this for years. However there is a solution.

1) Recognition: first you must come to grips with the reality that your obsession about what you eat, how much you exercise, and/or the way that you like is really not okay. You have to admit that this is problem.. and not only a problem, but that this type of behavior and thinking dishonors the God who made you in His image.

2) Confession: this can be two-fold. Confession involves telling another person about your struggle candidly and honestly and confession involves telling God your struggle and that you know it is offensive to Him. This may seem difficult, especially at first, you have to admit that you are in the wrong, that you need God to change your perspective, but [from firsthand experience] this step will cause you to enjoy great freedom!

3) Renewal: a change of mind/behavior. In order to know how we are to live, we must take ourselves to the truth. What lies do you think that you are believing in regards to the way that you look? Are you focusing more on the numbers on the scale or honoring the Lord by keeping your body healthy? Why do you want to control the way you eat -- does eating healthy make you better than someone else? We need to measure our thinking up against the Word of God and find out in what ways we are erring. Only when we have right beliefs about our bodies, our image, and our Lord, will we be able to have the right behaviors. So listen to yourself the next time you step on the scale or fix that 200-calorie meal or push yourself one more mile -- how is this honoring to the God who created me in His image?

We too often derive these false ideas from the images that the world portrays of the 'perfect body', the 'perfect athlete', the 'ideal weight'. I think that Romans 12:2 speaks perfectly to this issue, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

If you are at all struggling with any of these issues or think that you may have a tendency toward "disordered eating", please feel free to contact me at kathryn.m.sumner@gmail.com . I would love to hear your heart.

Here is the link to the previously mentioned article : http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-242-304--14203-0,00.html 

An Eater's Testimony : Kathryn

I have been an athlete ever since I can remember. I started playing volleyball competitively in 2nd grade, and from there my interest in sports expanded: soccer, baseball, basketball, softball, and running. I played them all and loved every second - but soccer, volleyball, and running were my passion. In high school, I played both soccer and volleyball on club teams (travel) and for freshman, JV, and Varsity teams throughout my four years. I loved games, but practices were where I really thrived, pushing myself and motivating my teammates. In my junior year of high school, I was elected to be co-captain of our Varsity volleyball team which was a thrilling and humbling experience for me. I worked very hard as a 'libero'/defensive specialist and even earned a mention in the region that winter season. I went into high school soccer season that spring pumped and ready for some competition. Unfortunately, my high school coach did not notice my work ethic and looked down on me for my small stature - I did not start for most of the season. In my senior year, I again pushed very hard in volleyball and travel soccer, excelling as a player and as an athlete, but when spring soccer rolled around I was hit with more disappointment. As a senior, I still got little playing time in my position as goalkeeper due to my size. It was very disheartening, but I tried to keep a positive attitude and motivate my teammates.

Throughout the last two years of high school, I began a new 'diet' of sorts. It consisted of TONS of fruits and vegetables, rarely if any meat, and organic food galore. I was kind of on a health-nut craze and used my love for sports as a motivator to eat very healthy. Though I didn't know it at the time (for the Lord had not saved me yet) eating had become an idol. I always watched what I ate and how much. Rarely would I even eat after long, hard volleyball practices and games that lasted until 10 & 11pm.  In my senior year, I was confronted by a dear friend who said that I looked way too thin and she was very concerned about me. I have always been short and on the smaller side, so it was hard for me to notice a dramatic change in my weight or body size. I thanked her and told her that I would definitely tell her or someone else if I was seriously struggling. 'I have never starved myself or thrown up', I thought. Little did I know there are other kinds of eating struggles.

Later that semester, in the last soccer game of my high school career against our rivals (Grosse Pointe North) I was taken out of the game by my coach who put in a junior in my place. I was devastated - and parents were shocked. We lost the game, and I left feeling deflated. I went to the gym at the local park and ran... hard. It wasn't until later that I would see that kind of outlet as a problem: I exercised excessively because of my frustration and to prove something, both to myself and others.

My eating habits have always been fairly steady throughout my lifetime, but my obsession with exercising and healthy eating climaxed my freshman year of college. My first semester, in the fall of 2007, I found myself without a regular sport schedule for the first time since 4th grade. I missed competition and teamwork, so I decided to take up running. I loved it because I could constantly push myself, it was another sport to learn, and I could always recruit friends to join me. In December when I went home for Christmas, at least a handful of friends noticed something about me: my weight. I was thin.. too thin. My diet at school consisted of salads in the "Caf" and peanut butter sandwiches on whole wheat. I didn't eat meat. And I exercised almost every day. Though my heart had had a dramatic inward change (The Lord saved me and gave me His Spirit!), my body was what people noticed first. I still continued to exercise, work out, and run consistently and was involved in many activites including intramural sports that freshman year. I was always appreciative whenever people confronted me with their concerns, but I never really thought I had a problem. I always just attributed my weight to my healthy eating and high mileage. Again the thought of an 'ED' (eating disorder) was CRAZY to me!

Until the fall of 2008. After coming back to college for sophomore year, the chaos and busyness of school, work, ministry, a social life and other activities took their toll and I became very overwhelmed. I stopped exercising and I turned to eating as an outlet. For the first time I binge ate to cover up my emotions and to "protect" myself from stress. My problem was not anorexia or bulimia. My problem was a rollercoaster ride of emotional eating and obsession with healthy foods, and exercise. The reason I was so depressed that semester is because I couldn't seem to get control on my eating. I didn't talk about it with anyone for months, and when I finally did I felt ashamed and disgusted. I was depressed and coming to the end of myself... I was calling on the Lord, crying out to Him, but living in disobedience because I was clinging to other things rather than confessing my sin and being cleansed. The Lord convicted me and changed my mindset, I needed people, I needed community, I needed to be vulnerable with my sin to God--I couldn't hide from Him.

Since the spring of 2009, I have found much freedom from the idolatry of eating in the treasures of Scripture. Along with a close friend who struggles with many of the same issues, we created notecards listing verses that we would refer to when we were battling thoughts about our weight, our identity, our self-image, and our eating. I've learned a major lesson: God hates idolatry, and our hearts can make something as necessary and seemingly uncomplicated as eating, into an idol. But there is such hope when we entrust to the Lord our excesses: whether that be exercise (as it was and is for me), eating, or our self-image. God grants us liberty and freedom in the journey of our struggles and teaches us to trust in Christ and to identify ourselves with Him, more than with our weaknesses and sin.

Two of my favorite passages that I refer to often in the midst of my "food battle" (as Chance calls it) are found in first Corinthians.

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." -1 Corinthians 6:9-11

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." -1 Corinthians 6:19-20

As I continue to learn the depths of my heart, I find the more I need God's grace to persevere. For someone who knows how prone she is to struggles with food, exercise, and vanity, this life is a constant battleground. My hope and prayer is that I can use my awareness to help, encourage, educate, and embolden others to fight this same battle with me.

(P.s. I still struggle with overexercising and unhealthy eating habits, but the only difference is that I know my struggle, the root, and some steps toward the real solution)

-Kathryn