Better Than A Million Quiet Times

Oftentimes when I think about my sanctification I have a cookie-cutter view of how God should conform me to Jesus' image. I think that godliness is akin to having hour-long devotionals and solid daily prayer time. However, God is challenging my thinking in significant ways by doing some serious heart work on me in this season of life. 

I love routine. I thrive on consistency, scheduling, and to-do list accomplishments. But recently I think I have come to love my schedule a bit too much. Since having Hudson almost six months ago, my daily plans have been consistently foiled. As I have mentioned before, Hudson is not a good sleeper. It has taken me a while to embrace that fact (and it is still a hard pill to swallow). He just does not sleep well, plain and simple. He has flucuated in his sleep difficulties from no naps, to multiple night-wakings, to breaking free of his swaddle, to rebelling against napping. All of this has been a serious source of frustration for me. Just this morning, after about a week of inconsistency and new changes to his sleep "style," I thought that I had had at least some success in his morning nap. I was proud of my seeming "success." As a result, I felt encouraged and joyful. But when he woke up after just 5 minutes of sleep, all those feelings went right down the drain. Why was I so frustrated all of a sudden? Why was I so surprised that he was awake? Why was I suddenly grumpy, irritable, and upset? I know why; the problem is my sin! 

Recently, I listened to a sermon by Tullian Tchividjian about his book "Glorious Ruin" that discusses the gospel in terms on the suffering that we all experience in this life. He talked about how unmet expectations are a very real part of daily suffering. I think that this pointedly describes one root cause of my frustration with Hudson's sleeping--my desire to control my circumstances. Since I function so well when I have consistency in my daily life (which is NOT bad!), I can become dependent upon my expectation that things will go "my way," and base whether or not I have a good day in accordance with how my expectations pan out. God has shown me, through my son, that God is the only one who is sovereign and in complete control. When I attempt to force control on my circumstances and become upset when my control is thwarted, I am in effect trying to be God. God is not pleased when I do this, because He alone is omnipotent and I am not.

Moreover, I have an idol of my schedule, and God is revealing that to me by forcing his hand of providence to intervene with my set plans. When what I did not expect to happen (e.g. Hudson waking up from his nap) happens, I end up getting frustrated with Hudson; I am really bowing down to my schedule/routine and making what I want to happen in my day the ultimate factor of a "good" day or "bad" day. This is idolatry for two reasons: 1) I am worshipping what is not God, and 2) I am basing my joy on what is not God. 

Thankfully, I have a good, sovereign, and gracious God who will not allow me to stay in this state of sin. Though I am discouraged when I see my sin so richly on display in my anger and frustration, He graciously reminds me that He has given me everything I need for life and godliness. God is so kind to not let me worship my schedule, my circumstances, or myself. He is too good and knows exactly what I need. For me, in this season of life, God is choosing to conform me to the image of Jesus by not giving me what I want (my perfect schedule!). He does this for my good and for His glory. I love him for his faithfulness and am thankful that He is so patient with me. 

I know that I recently written A LOT about this subject, but such is my life right now. I am learning the way in which God is choosing to sanctify me doesn't have to be through those lengthy Bible reading sessions or uninterrupted times of prayer. But since God is infinitely wiser than I am, I trust that this way of sanctifying me is better than a million quiet times. 

Sleep-Deprived But Not Theology-Deprived

The past few days were tough--I mean really tough, as far as sleep goes for the Sumner household. Hudson has learned this new trick where he can roll from his tummy to his back. This would be great, except for the fact that he still needs to be swaddled to sleep. This means that whenever he rolls around in his crib, he oftentimes gets himself too worked up and looks like a fish out of the water (minus the fins!). He had also decided that he didn't want to be put down in his crib without WAILING first for about 20 (or more) minutes...which made for some very confused, frustrated, and exhausted parents. 

Just yesterday, I prayed that the Lord would help me to see his goodness in light of his sovereignty in this situation. I also prayed that he would help me to fight my sins of frustration, anger, selfishness, and irritability, which were rearing their ugly heads as I listened to my screaming son. Helpless though I felt, I was comforted by the fact that God is in control of all circumstances and, in fact, he had ordained this for my good (Rom. 8:28). Not a few hours later, though, I was in tears as I attempted to put Hudson down for nap number two, while fighting the feeling of abandonment and loneliness. Where was God in this mom's sleep-deprived, exhausted, and tear-filled circumstance?! My perplexity led me back to what I had written in my journal just a few hours prior to that moment. The thoughts that I had written down were a reflection on the unchanging character of God. This bore fruit in my thinking in light of what I was experiencing. My theology brought stability to my troubled heart.

I wrote, "Although I am perplexed about Hudson's difficulty with sleeping lately, I have been able to remember a few things about God's character that have been truly comforting:

1. He is good; he is always good (Ps. 119:68)
2. He cares for me, and wants me to cast all my anxiety on him in humility (1 Pet. 5:6)
3. He is my hope--not my circumstances (Rom. 8:25)
4. He loves me (Rom. 5:5)
5. He is at work in my heart, using my circumstances to conform me to the image of his Son, which is my ultimate good (Rom. 8:28)

So where was God when I couldn't see beyond nap time? He was with me and near me. Psalm 94:19 brought immense comfort as well. The verse reads, "When worries threaten to overwhelm me, your soothing touch makes me happy" (NET Bible). 

If you find yourself in unforeseen circumstances that threaten to steal your joy or cloud your view of God's goodness, ask yourself these questions: "Does my theology work for me or against me in a situation like this?", "Is God really in control of whether or not my son takes a nap this afternoon?", "Does he have a purpose in what is so seemingly mundane and inconsequential?" I believe that God governs every detail of our daily lives and uses them to mold our character to the likeness of Jesus. When I am sleep-deprived and teary-eyed, I should let what is true about God work to shape me into the image of Christ.

I hope I can live this out when it comes to bed time...

Week One: Recap

Hudson is officially 8 days old. Wow, that was fast. After two days in the hospital, two appointments at the pediatrician, and two sets of grandparent visits, we are settling into this whole parenting thing quite nicely. I am amazed at how quickly Hudson is changing on a daily basis. One minute he is asleep for hours on end, and then next minute he is alive and alert using his little beady eyes to show us how curious he is about the world around him. The challenges that we have faced so far have only consisted of adjusting to a new sleeping routine and trying to understand his facial expressions when he is fussy. 

Last Wednesday we came home from the hospital and settled Hudson into his new home. He seemed to take to his bassinet quite quickly and slept most of the day away. At night, we fought our anxiety as we lay down, trying not to worry about the next time we would be waking up. He has been feeding very well, and has been ever since day one (I am very thankful for this). On Thursday, my parents arrived from Michigan and came to visit us in the evening. They loved Hudson immediately! As first-time grandparents it was hard not to see their affection from the moment they laid eyes on their grandson. That night, Chance left for work and I was left at home by myself to take care of Hudson through the night. This was a very difficult night. Hudson fussed even before his dad left for work and was basically inconsolable all night long. His mother (i.e. me) was up with him about every 15 to 20 minutes, trying the swaddling techniques that I learned in Happiest Baby on the Block. I still haven't perfected the swaddling art. The next day was a pleasant one with my parents, and we were blessed to have our refrigerator stocked to the brim, our laundry folded, and dinner made for us. Hudson also had his first pediatrician check-up where he weighed in a 6 pounds, 9 ounces--up 4 ounces from Wednesday! Chance was home that night and I felt much less anxious about falling asleep. Hudson was way less fussy and we actually got some decent sleep. 

Over the weekend, we were visited by a few friends and continued to enjoy time with the family. My mother stayed the night on Saturday and relieved me a bit when Hudson woke up around 11:00pm to say that it was time to hang out. I slept until he got hungry and then fed him until his tummy was content. The next morning was the Lord's day. Chance and my parents went off to church, while Hudson and I spent the morning together. He slept, and I attempted to nap to no avail. I am quickly learning that I will need to get better at napping when he does. Thus far I have only fallen asleep a handful of times during the day when he has slept. All in due time I suppose. On Monday morning, my mom and I took Hudson back to the pediatrician who told us that even though he was a week old, he was as alert as a two-week-old! He weighed 6 pounds, 15 ounces and was 19.5 inches long (he grew 1/2 an inch in one week). It's amazing to me how fast newborns grow! We have been told multiple times that we need to soak in the time because it goes very quickly and he is only this tiny for so long. My parents left for Michigan this afternoon. It was a tough goodbye, but we know that we'll see them again before long. 

In the past week, I have been reminded of a few things. The major thing being that God is a gracious and loving God. Hudson is such a precious gift from God and I am amazed and humbled that God would choose to bless Chance and I with him. Yes, it is difficult to be sleep-deprived, but Psalm 127:3 speaks truthfully when it says, "Children are a heritage from the Lord..." Secondly, I am reminded of the importance of a strong, Christ-centered marriage. Chance has been immensely helpful and encouraging in the past week, just as he was during labor. When Hudson fusses at night or wakes up and wants attention, Chance immediately offers to take him before I have to nurse him, so that I can get a few more minutes of sleep. It is a most glorious way of serving me. Lastly, I am reminded of God's unique design of mothers. Although this is my first experience as a mom, having never had any children before Hudson, it has astounded me how comfortable I feel caring for Hudson.  My mothering instincts kicked in immediately after Hudson was first laid on my chest, prior to his delivery. I have felt extremely comfortable nursing, changing diapers, and soothing our tiny baby even though I was never taught how to do these things. God has gifted mothers in such a way that even from the moment your child is born, you feel a strong sense of confidence in caring for your child. It's unexplainable, except that it is a gift from God. 

As the days go by, I will to continue to learn what self-sacrifice means as I put my wants and needs on the back burner to take care of Hudson and to serve my husband. I can honestly say that being a mother is the greatest occupation that I have had, and by the grace of God I will fulfill my role to the glory and praise of God.