Post-[What Would Have Been My First]-Marathon Reflections

On Wednesday afternoon, I went out for a slow, four-mile run down Swiss Avenue, enjoying the beautiful 79 degree weather. I thought, "Surely tomorrow's forecast for freezing rain is a little farfetched." This picture can attest to how I could have rationalized that thought. 

On Thursday morning, the temperature had dropped to just above 32 degrees, and the clouds which hung in the sky looked unpromising. Unfortunately for me, I guess the weather man got it right. The plan was to have two friends and one family member of mine, from out of state, fly in the next day. We were all supposed to run the Dallas Marathon on Sunday. On Friday, I got the news that my friend's flight had been canceled. Then the truly unexpected happened...

After more than twenty-four hours since getting the news that the Dallas Marathon was canceled, I am still experiencing a whole gamut of emotions. I am frustrated, disappointed, and sad. I had such high hopes for myself, especially since this was to be my FIRST full marathon. My goal was to run under 3:40:00, having completed the Hanson's Marathon Method Beginner Program. 

As I said in my previous post just a few days ago, I learned a lot from my training; discipline, thankfulness, amongst other things. I still believe God's goodness and sovereignty despite this major disappointment. My theology is working for me! 

But disappointment is an interesting beast. We get most disappointed when our expectations are the highest. After four months of hard work, I had set high goals of completing this marathon and doing it well. Naturally, my disappointment is not minor. In the grand scheme of eternity, this is so insignificant. 

In the last day, I have even felt silly for crying about the circumstances surrounding this disappointing weekend. But at the same time, we are human beings created with very real emotions. It is all about how you control those emotions that determine whether or not your response to your circumstances is correct or not. 

By the grace of God, I believe that I have kept my perspective on eternity and my emotions in check (for the most part). Nevertheless, I am bummed about not running [what would have been my first] marathon. L

Perhaps, God is teaching me humility. Or maybe he is reminding me that He is God and I am not. Shoot, He desires to teach me all these things and in the midst of it, remind me of His grace which I do not deserve. I am reminded of what Paul says in 1 Timothy 6, that bodily discipline is of some value, whereas godliness is valuable not only in this life, but also in the life to come. 

That truth stings my flesh as I try to rationalize how important running this race was to me. On the one hand, finishing this marathon was going to be a great blessing and accomplishment; on the other hand, if my hope is bound up in just completing a road race, then I need to get my priorities straight. Talk about a reality check!

It has been helpful for me to write these thoughts down as I reflect on my unmet expectations. From here, I don't know what my running schedule will look like. I am not sure when I will run a marathon: next weekend, in the spring, or next December, perhaps. Whatever happens, I am confident that God will get the glory. He controls the details of our everyday lives and has proven to me [again] that His ways are not my ways, nor are His thoughts my thoughts (Isa. 55). 

Whether you are in the midst of disappointment, as I am, or you can look back retrospectively at disappointment in your life, rest assured that God is the same. Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." When life doesn't go according to plan, like I've experienced this weekend, we can trust that God has it all under control. 

Confessions: Of A Pregnant Runner

Since this is my first pregnancy it's been quite the rollercoaster of experiences. In the first trimester, I had a vast array of physical symptoms: nausea, irritability, breast tenderness, emotional "flexibility" (more like instability), and fatigue. Recently, I entered into the second trimester - wahoo! - and am now almost 15 weeks pregnant! I have noticed that my difficulties are now the internal struggles of insecurity and uncertainty. In this post I want to relay what sort of struggles this pregnant woman, like any woman, has had on both the heart and head level.


There is a baby in that belly!

As a runner, it is important to keep yourself consistently fit, which means maintaining your fitness level by eating healthfully, running an average number of miles per week, and cross training to keep your body free from injury. This past spring, I trained for and ran a half marathon and was in the best shape I have been in, since junior year of college (when I ran a semester's worth of cross country). I felt great and was proud of the work that I had done in order to look and feel like I did. About 3 weeks after that race, as I was recovering, we found out that I was pregnant. As we rejoiced and celebrated, I thought quietly in my heart about what this meant for my body: a lot of changes. And since I have never been pregnant before, this also meant a lot of unexpected changes. These thoughts produced fear and worry in me and I began to become anxious about the coming months and what this would mean for my overall fitness. Motherly instincts kick in as soon as you discover that you have a little person growing inside of you, and you instantly want to do "Whatever is best for the baby!" But as a woman who struggles with insecurities about her appearance, I couldn't help but have these nagging thoughts.

Like I mentioned before, in the first trimester your body is adjusting to the onslaught of hormones that your body is producing and you definitely see and feel their effects. I took a much needed break from all exercise save for walking and the occasional run. The first time I got out on the road to attempt to keep my heart rate at 150 (doctor recommended) I was sorely disappointed: 180, 190, 205, 170, 165, 190, and so on. My fitness level had clearly waned in just a month off, and I became discouraged about the possibility of running during pregnancy. My doctor has okay'ed it as long as I kept my heart rate low (my max HR is around 230) which proved somewhat difficult for me at first. Not only was I discouraged but I was humbled. Not being able to run the same pace, the same distance, with the same amount of exertion can be quite frustrating and for me it most definitely was.. and still is.

Many woman tell you that after you enter the second trimester, you start feeling much better. Thankfully, I found this to be quite true. I am very grateful that my nausea lasted only 5-6 weeks, and my fatigue became less after about 8 weeks. So I started to get up the hopes that I could get outside and continue running at a more 'normal-for-me' pace and be just fine! Well there have been a couple of factors that have still kept me from that goal: 1) My overall fitness level has somewhat decreased, 2) My body needs to exert way more energy in order to run at paces and distances that were 'easy' just a few months ago, and 3) The Texas heat kills me. I have never been one who enjoys running in 90+ degree weather, nor have I ever been able to do it particularly well. Combine all of these factors together and it makes for one discouraged, frustrated, and irritated pregnant woman.

While out for a walk last night, I discovered that these thoughts and feelings were rooted in a few different areas of sin: selfishness, discontentment, envy, and jealousy. My frustration in not being able to run how I want virtually spells out the selfishness in my heart. I want to do it for me, and when I don't/can't get what I want I become frustrated. I am discontent because what used to come so naturally is now feeling very unnatural and that creates a lack of joy in my heart. I am envious and jealous of other women that I see running with no problem: most of whom are probably not pregnant. See how foolish these things are when they are exposed? I am confronted with the fact that I am still yet to be fully redeemed, and am in need of my Savior. David says it well in Psalm 86 when he cries out, "Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me! For I am poor and needy." In God's infinite wisdom, He knows my desires and my frustrations. Yet, He desires that I cry to Him with those frustrations and tell Him my honest feelings. I am comforted by the fact that He is "...good and ready to forgive, and abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You." (86:5)

Do I still want to run right on through this pregnancy? Absolutely! Do I believe that God will surely answer that prayer? I don't know. In the meantime, I must choose to trust Him and believe the fact that even when I can't run fast, or even run at all, God has ordained this time for my good - to teach me humility, the fleetingness of physical beauty, and fact that He cares about me in all of my weakness and stumblings. Have you ever dealt with insecurities in your pregnancy? I am right there with you sister.. let's keep fighting.

What I Am [Not]

Have you ever struggled with self-condemnation? Well, welcome to the club. I don't mean that to sound trivial or unsympathetic, because I know that it is a serious struggle, both for myself and others. And for us women, we tend to heap the mounds of defeat on ourselves much more than the opposite gender, although they are definitely not immune either. Two verses specifically combat this struggle, that come to mind:

• Ephesians 1:18: "having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints"
• Romans 8:1: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Look at these truths. Both pack a whole lot of self-condemnation battle punch. And when applied correctly and thoughtfully to those thoughts and feelings that are contrary to what is true, the weight of shame and guilt that you are relieved of is truly remarkable. As I was considering the struggle of self-condemnation today, I want you to think about the reasons why we wrestle so much with these type of thoughts and emotions. I believe that the battle begins when we fail to live up to arbitrary standards that either the world or ourselves have put on us. The struggle may begin when you start thinking about your weight for instance. You mull over what your body "should" look like, and then start inwardly complaining/condemning yourself over what your body actually looks like. The cycle is sped up when we mount on all of our own personal failures and then we become consumed in this unhealthy, unhelpful, ungodly pattern of thinking that does nothing but make us depressed and pitiful. At the root of these thoughts: self. We are focusing way too much on ourselves, and way too little on Christ. That is why when I read Ephesians 1:18 today, I was considerably helped. Think about this: I am stuck in my downward cycle of thoughts about the way I feel, look, am acting, etc. and cannot 'see' what is really true because I am just caught in this web of terrible thoughts about myself that continue to get worse. Then all of a sudden [TRUTH] steps in, your eyes are enlightened, you remember the HOPE to which God has called you, and the glorious riches that you inherit as saint (one who is set apart for God)! Your thoughts begin to lift, maybe slowly at first, but in rememberance of what is really true, you forget what is really not. Our eyes, heart, and mind shifts from focusing on ourselves' to focusing on Christ. And when we focus on Christ, we see ourselves in a new light. We remember that we were bought with a price, that we are not defined by how we look, the way we have acted, what we've said, the ways in which we failed, nor the ways in which we are currently struggling. We are defined by [Christ].

So I thought I'd write a little poem to help me to remember that although I 'am' a lot of things, I am primarily a daughter of the King's:

I am [not] the fastest runner.
I am [not] a health nut.
I am [not] the perfect wife.
I am [not] the most efficient worker.
I am [not] the most beautiful woman.
I am [not] the best writer.
I am [not] the most talented chef.
I am [not] always a neat freak.
I am [not] already glorified.
I am [not] sinless.
I am [not] without baggage.
But I am Christ's.
I do belong to Him.  

Although I still may not measure up to all of my standards, I meet his: I am a sinner, in need of a Savior. And when my identity is all wrapped up in Jesus, and when I can boast in nothing else but my Him, then I no longer need to condemn myself, because He was already condemned for me.

*written on June 1, 2012*

Feel free to share with me your thoughts - kathryn.m.sumner@gmail.com

Dealing with Disappointment

Over the weekend I experienced a rather major disappointment. Let me preface that by saying for the past 2 months my husband and I have been attempting to get pregnant. We haven't used any special calculator nor kept track of my tempature daily. We have simply been trying to educate ourselves and be responsible. So when I didn't get the monthly cycle on the exact day I was supposed to, there were more than a few flutters of hope in my heart. And then I took a pregnancy test. Not pregnant. And then I took another one (this time in the morning). Not pregnant. That was last Saturday morning; what a way to begin the weekend.

In response to this major disappointment I have been thinking all week about how to deal with disappointment appropriately. This morning I was hit with the "cherry on top"... I'll spare the details. But God is so good, in that He gave me many specific things today to help me in my time of need. I'll first explain in this post how to biblically deal with discouragement, then relay the details of the encouragement the Lord gave me through multiple sovereignly ordained means.

First, in order to understand how to respond to the circumstances of life, we must first understand that this life is not how it should be. God in his love for creation, did not intend for there to be disappointments, discouragement, and disarray. When God created, he created a world unaffected by sin--and therefore unaffected by discouragement and disappointment. Adam and Eve lived in harmony and at peace with God until the Fall. When they sinned against God, and God cursed Eve's womb and Adam's work, that is when disappointment entered the world. So things are not as they should be.. but one day God will put right what we humans have broken. He will make all the pieces of the puzzle fit back together as they should, and until that day he called us to live in accordance with His Word. He calls us to live differently from the world, in light of the hope that we have in Jesus Christ.


That is the first key to our response to disappointment: the Word of God. If you have ever read the Bible you might have an inclination that God's people are just that--people. They have real emotions, including sadness and defeat. David often felt defeated by his enemies and hopeless. Paul was tempted to be discouraged when he suffered much for the sake of the gospel. Everywhere we find the characters of the Bible going through difficult circumstances, and honestly crying out to God for help and comfort. Thankfully, we also have many promises that God gives us that he will answer when we call to him. He will rescue us. He will never leave us nor forsake us. He will be our comfort in our times of need. So you see, when we have our expectations dashed we are called to respond in agreement with God's Word: with hope, courage, and patience. Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord." Psalm 33:20-22 says, "Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you." When our circumstances prompt our natural inclinations to turn inwardly and believe that we are being wronged by God, let us do the antithesis and trust in the One who ordains all things for the good of his people.


The second key to our response to disappointment is: the worth of God. God is infinitely wise. He is the source of all joy and happiness. In his right hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11). He has created all things good, to be enjoyed with thanksgiving (1 Tim. 4:4). We oftentimes believe the lie that God is out to get us, or that God is punishing us for something we've done. But God's ways are higher than our ways; his thoughts higher than our thoughts. We cannot assume that we know the reasons why God chooses to do the things he does, but we can trust in his character as a good and gracious God. He is a majestic King that deserves our worship. Remember all the things that God did for his people Israel? He brought them out of Egypt! Remember all the things that God has done for his people--the church? We are his bride! We are his treasured possession! Remember that God has purchased you with the blood of Christ, if you are in him and possess his Spirit, for then we will choose to instead praise God rather than blame God. 


Lastly, today God has brought me much encouragement in a few specific ways that I'd like to share:

1. Isaiah 26:3-4 - I just happen to be reading Isaiah and this verse nailed it!
2. 90.9 - I never listen to the radio in the morning, but I just happened to turn it on as I was pulling into the parking garage at work and the DJs were talking about the fact that God works all things together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8 anyone?), so that was pretty timely.
3. I found a new blog  called In View of God's Mercy, whose writer is going through a season of infertility (if you click the link you can read all about it)
4. Pandora - I listen to this internet music station all day at work. "It is Well With My Soul" came on while I was eating breakfast. Perfect.
5. Run with Mallory - I got to run 10 miles with my b.f.f. of Dallas after work! 

Just thought I'd share God's goodness and his faithfulness in the little uplifting circumstances of today. In light of the disappointment of the week, today was a small victory.